I usually trust my instincts. I honestly thought that I had very good instincts for the most part. In the past I’ve made countless decisions based off of a gut feeling. Buying a house has changed that. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve said, “this is our house”, “I have a feeling about this one.” Yet, every time, that feeling has been wrong. I am exhausted with this house buying process. I am not excited about looking anymore, I don’t even allow myself to get excited when we see one that we think is perfect. I have programmed myself for disappointment. Excitement and hope have become the enemy, I’ve never wanted to give up on something more in my life than I want to give up on buying a house.
If it weren’t for my kids, I think I would have waved the white flag a long time ago. They are the reason I continue to go out there and sacrifice my sanity over and over again. They deserve to grow up with a yard to play in and a place to put their toys and to learn and just be kids – a place to call home. I keep asking God what is it that He is trying to teach me. There has to be some deep meaning to all this. Whatever it is just show me already, before I break.
Ok, got that out. I literally don’t have time to keep wallowing in the disappointment. After I sat in the bathroom and cried today, I started to think about what it is that God could be trying to teach me, and I think I got it. I call myself a Faith Ambassador right, what does that mean, like really mean. That means no matter what is happening in my life, or around me that I am trusting in God – blindly. I stated above that I am afraid to hope anymore. Well maybe that is what God wants because what is hope? It’s not Faith. Faith is believing, not hoping. Faith is having a firm grip on the knowledge that God WILL deliver on His promises because he is God and He is honest, and He wants the best for me – period.
So, today I denounce hope. I throw away wishing and I am strictly trusting, I am putting all my faith in the fact that even if it is not happening in the time that I want that it is still coming. I will hold on to that faith and keep going to look at houses knowing that God will bless us with exactly what we need, want, and more, strictly because He is God. My Pastor has preached many times on the process of making Olive Oil and how an olive has to be pressed and pressed and pressed before it produces any oil. Maybe this is my season of pressing. If it is Lord, I am so excited about what will be produced in the end.