“I don’t have time to be depressed.” That's what I told the First Lady of my church today. She reached out to me because she said that God kept putting me on her heart. What I realized after I said those words to her was, depression comes in many different forms. It’s not just the stereotypical laying in a bed in the dark, sadness. It could be something that you don’t even think about like suppressing your gift. In my case, not writing for months or always feeling exhausted, or not being able to sleep at night – these are the symptoms of my depression. This is the first time that I’ve acknowledged it.
“I don’t have time to be depressed.” Let me ignore the fact that I had two miscarriages last year, my hormones are out of whack, I’ve been battling sever anxiety, stress and sleep deprivation. I don’t have time to deal with those things. Those issues will have to wait because my kids deserve a mom who is present and happy and attentive. My husband deserves a wife that is loving and affectionate and domestic so, I don’t have time to be depressed.
I have to ignore the fact that I can’t hold back the tears any time the miscarriages come up or that I think about death and suffering more than I ever have in my life. I have to pretend like I’m not overwhelmed to the point of numbness and there are times when I mentally cannot do anything. Thank God I’m a great actress because I know how to put on a happy face. I smiled my way through the holidays as the second baby I lost was slowly coming out of me, it took almost a month for it to pass, but all the while, I smiled, because I don’t have time.
“I don’t have time to be depressed.” On top of being a mother and wife, I’m in school for my MBA and I have a full-time job, I don’t have time to stop and feel – anything. However, today, when my First Lady called me and asked me about my well-being and I poured out everything to her, and she prayed for me, I had to stop and feel. In those few minutes of feeling, I could feel, healing. I don’t know how long it's going to take or if I will ever be totally healed but I know that I am on God’s mind and even though I can smile and hide how I am feeling from the world, I can’t hide from Him. He is thinking of me and cares about me and He wanted to make sure I knew it by sending His servant to check on me. I’m so thankful for her and her obedience, because her call showed me that, even when I don’t have time for me, God does!