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Too Ambitious
Is there a such thing as being too ambitious? If you would’ve asked me this a year ago, I would’ve said absolutely not! Ask me now! Ask…me…now! My answer is YES! Here’s the thing, there comes a time in a person’s life when we have to start being realistic about what we can and cannot handle, and it has nothing to do with capability, and everything to do with sanity. I am about to break over here. This master’s program is kicking my butt under the ground. I quit like six times today. I actually sent my teacher an email and said, “I might have to drop this class.” I am at my breaking point ya’ll, I’m there.
Have you ever asked someone how they were doing, and their response was, “I’m hanging in there?” I always thought that was such an awful answer, I mean for someone to be hanging in there, they’re grasping at straws just trying to make it. Well, this must be my karma for judging because that’s me now, I…am…hanging (by a thread) in there. My low point of the day was when I yelled at my kids for playing. They were just playing, being kids and I wanted them to sit down and be quiet so that I could concentrate, and I yelled at them. Yelled is really an understatement, I screamed at them like a maniac. I felt so bad after I cried. What a terrible mother this program is turning me into, I am literally losing it.
Did I mention I cut my hair? Lord, I look crazy, sitting here glued to the computer with my crazy haircut sticking up on my head. Not only have I lost it, but I also look like I have. I’ve never felt so defeated. My self-esteem is totally shot. I don’t even have the time or strength to work out, I’m eating bad, I have reached an all-time low all because I took on too much. Facts are, I never even wanted an MBA, I applied for the program on a whim, I never thought I’d get in. When I got in, I was in such utter disbelief that I thought if I don’t take advantage of this mistake, they must’ve made I may never get this opportunity again. But the question is, when did I ever even desire this opportunity, I just took it because it was dangled in front of my face. I never sat and thought it through or asked myself how it aligned with any of my goals. I just couldn’t say no, because I’m too ambitious.
I’m sure some people will think why am I complaining about taking advantage of an opportunity like this? Well, because once you accept the opportunity, you have to actually do the work – and it is WORK. More work than I ever anticipated, more work than I can mentally handle right now, I honestly am praying my way through seconds of each day. If this program doesn’t teach me anything else, it’s teaching me the value of my time and my sanity. It’s teaching me that I don’t have to take advantage of every opportunity, that I’m allowed to say no, especially if it’s going to throw off the balance of my life, no is an option and it doesn’t make me weak or scared, it makes me smart and informed. One thing is for sure when I graduate, I’m putting MBA at the end of my name on everything, I don’t care if it’s a card for a seating chart, I worked too hard for this, and I’m going to use it everywhere.